By Mandy X. Hu
My coach trainer used to say: ‘Sure, everyone has experienced some trauma, whether it’s being bullied or rejected, I’m not interested in that. I want to know how you deal with it now.’ While I see merit in focusing on the presence, I’ve recently experienced that the past certainly needs attention. My past came banging at my door as I realized that I hadn’t found the depth and peace in my relationships that I longed for. After a lot of self-exploration, I found that the primary reason for this laid in my past relationships – most importantly, the relationship with my parents. I know what you’re thinking: ‘No shit, Sherlock, this is ancient psychology’. Still, I had underestimated (or avoided to look at) how big of an effect my childhood had on me.
Attachment styles
How we learn to attach in early childhood determines for a large part how we do this later in life. Especially our relationship with our parents or caregivers is crucial in forming our subsequent relationships. In the attachment theory psychologists describe four types of attachment that may arise during our first life years: anxious, avoidant, disorganized, and secure. Usually one of the types will be predominant in a person. However, as with all ‘boxes’, we never fit just one. I sure recognize myself in many of the types, as I will illustrate in the coming paragraphs. Before I do this, a disclaimer: I love my parents and I truly believe they did the best they could under the circumstances. This blog is not about blame. Rather, it’s about healing old wounds so all of my relationships, including those with my parents, can become more loving.
Anxious attachment
A lot of the time your parents were loving and could attend to your emotional needs. On the other hand, they were inconsistent in showing their love and could also be overbearing, busy, or absent. During my childhood my mother could be loving, mainly physically in the form of hugs and kisses. My mother also worked long hours and was absent a lot of the time, leaving me and my sisters in the care of a nanny and, when we were a bit older, to take care of ourselves. The Chinese culture that she grew up in taught her to work hard, and to be critical and overbearing – all to make sure that her children would do well in life. So, to me, love felt insecure: it seemed to be dependent on her inconsistent presence and my behavior or achievements. Today, in my relationships, I frequently catch myself adapting to the needs of others and ignoring my own to get their approval. At times, I am hungry for others’ affections and I feel rejected when they don’t come in the way I believe they should. If you grew up with this anxious attachment style, you probably take on a needy and pleasing attitude in relationships and feel a deep-rooted anxiety for abandonment.
Avoidant attachment
Mostly, your parents didn’t know how to attend to your emotional needs, rejected you, criticized you, or neglected you. When I grew up, my father was mainly absent. This had several reasons. For one, he barely speaks Dutch and I barely speak Chinese (you can tell how this caused communication problems). He also had mental health issues, which made him detached and unresponsive to his children and, in fact, all aspects of life. Both my parents, having grown up in the Chinese culture, learned to suppress feelings and express themselves critically. So from a young age I learned to mainly depend on myself, not show my true emotions, and not let people get too close. Later on I noticed that I missed a sense of deep connection in my friendships and romantic relationships. When I transitioned through college and jobs I could easily walk away from the relationships I built without shedding a tear or looking back. In my dating period, I used to break things off after one or two dates, because I was convinced I didn’t feel enough and was afraid to raise the other’s expectations. When your attachment style is avoidant, you have built a wall around you to keep others at a distance and sense a deep fear of commitment.
Disorganized attachment
There was a lot of tension in your childhood. On the one hand you did get messages of love from your parents. On the other hand, they could very suddenly get angry or were overly judgmental. There may also have been trauma, like abuse or abandonment. This may sound a bit like the anxious attachment style, but the main difference is that the disorganized attachment style carries more unpredictable tension. I believe this is the style that fits my childhood most. My parents used to fight frequently and fiercely. I had associated my home and my parents with unpredictability and stress. This confusion about what to expect from relationships seeped into my adulthood. I want to form deep connections and I’m capable of staying in a long romantic relationship (Sander and I celebrated our 10-year anniversary last Saturday). At the same time, I’m afraid to really commit, and for years during the relationship I kept one foot outside the door, prepared to run when things went sideways. If you have a disorganized attachment style there’s a push and pull in relationships, accompanied with a lot of doubt and tension.
Secure attachment
Last and certainly not least, the secure attachment style. If you grew up with this style, your parents gave you ample attention, help, and emotional support. Their love was unconditional, hence you learned to unconditionally love yourself. You trust yourself and others, and feel safe in forming relationships.
For the ones who don’t belong in this category, you are definitely not alone (it seems that about half of us are not securely attached) and there is hope :) Secure attachment can be learned later in life. What helped me was to first psychoeducate myself. I hope this blog helps a little, and a lot more information about attachment styles can be found in books, podcasts, and on the internet. A big source of inspiration for me was Paulien Timmer (in Dutch). I’ve become much better at recognizing my patterns in relationships: both being needy and putting up a wall, combined with having many thoughts of fear and doubt. To give these patterns less chance to take over, I make sure to take care of my mental and physical health: ample sleep, rest, and physical activity, healthy food and regular yoga and mindfulness practices. However, when patterns of unhealthy attachment do take over, here’s what you can do: know that you don’t have to believe your fear thoughts (they are always biased and overly negative). Be kind to yourself and nurture yourself – be your own loving parent. I like to take a couple of deep breaths to calm down my nervous system, and to hug myself and send myself a comforting message, like ‘I’m safe, I’m okay, I’m loved’. The most powerful message I give myself is: ‘Whatever happens, I can come to terms with it and still love and accept myself’. To get to this point, I got invaluable help from therapists, coaches, and mindfulness teachers.
In this way, beautiful fellow insecurely-attached people, we learn to trust love and cultivate a sense of belonging that’s not hitched to our behavior or the behaviors of others. We learn to connect to others with less fear and more truth, kindness, and understanding – and in turn, we will feel more depth, security and commitment in our relationships.
Do you recognize yourself in this article? The PhD advisors are here for you. Get in touch with us for a consultation (phdadvisor@amsterdamumc.nl).