By Mandy X. Hu

Lately I’ve let circumstances like the weather and my mood inspire the topic of my blogs. So today, as the water drops tickle against the windows of my study, it’s like they’re whispering to me ‘write about rain’. So yes, I’ll write about rain. However, not the kind that makes you want to curl up in a blanket on the couch with a hot cup of tea. Instead, I’d like to introduce you to RAIN, a mindfulness tool that I’ve learned from my favorite mindfulness teacher Tara Brach. I often get the question of how to make mindfulness more practical to use in daily life. When your head is buzzing with thoughts and your body is filled with stress, how do you remind yourself to stay grounded and practice with being right here and now, so you can experience what’s true and make choices based on wisdom and compassion? Simply let it rain.

R-ecognize

I’d like to illustrate the different steps of RAIN by telling you my personal recent experience with it. A few weeks ago, I was asked by the owners of my gym to become an instructor for jumping moves, which is a type of aerobic and dancing training on a small trampoline. I accepted. Immediately, I recognized my stress trigger: I had agreed to do something I had never done before – and do it in front of people. Whenever these two situations collide, I step into the pattern of the ‘perfectionist’ and the ‘controller’. I recognized thoughts of ‘I have to do this well from the start and I need to practice, practice, practice’. Often I caught my mind being hijacked by rehearsing steps during the most inconvenient situations, like serious conversations with people or being in traffic (luckily I didn’t crash into anyone). I felt agitated, anxious, and even desperate at times, believing that I couldn’t do it and regretting that I had accepted the offer. I slept badly, had little attention for my environment and the people around me, and I was obsessed with practicing when I had a chance. I definitely recognized my unhealthy pattern as the signs were clear as day.

You can’t change if you’re not aware, so recognition has to come first. What are your signs of stress and unhealthy patterns? What triggers you? How do you think, feel, behave? Try to find as many (early) signs as you can, so it becomes easier to catch yourself when it’s happening.

A-llow and accept

After I recognized my stress signs, I took a deep breath, sat down with myself, and repeated the following words: ‘It’s okay. I understand that this is happening. I’m sorry that this is so hard. May I be kind to myself.’ As a gesture of compassion, I put my hands on my belly where the stress had accumulated. I let my breaths flow deep to relax with the discomfort in my mind and body and I tried to allow and accept everything that was there to be there.

Now, allowing and accepting doesn’t mean that you recognize your pattern and say to yourself: ‘It’s cool, just let it happen’. Rather it means that you stay with what’s happening with acceptance and compassion instead of resigning to it (It’s just who I am and I can’t do anything about it), running away from it (Give me food, the internet, literally anything to distract myself!), or fighting it (Cut it out immediately or there will be serious consequences!). Truly staying with what’s happening, creates the space that is necessary for the next step.

I-nvestigate intimately

I started to investigate and asked myself: what am I believing? Rationally, I believed that as I had committed to giving these jumping classes, people were counting on me and it was my responsibility to try my best, and I feared to disappoint the gym owners and the class participants. This is a pretty plausible belief, right? So I investigated more intimately. So what if I didn’t perform well and people would be disappointed? What would be so bad about that? I realized that I would be disappointed in myself – I believed that how I perform directly affects how worthy and loveable I am. I feared that if I failed, I couldn’t be okay with myself.

When investigating, ask yourself what’s really going on. What are you believing and what are you afraid of? In other words, why are you behaving in a way that’s not good or healthy for you or others? Here it’s important to go beyond stating your convictions and fears in a rational way and aim for a deep and intimate understanding of your core beliefs.

N-ot identify

I said to myself: ‘Don’t believe your thoughts. I don’t need to prove my worthiness, I may love myself and be okay with myself without conditions.’

Not identifying is actually a natural consequence of the previous steps. Whenever we are mindfully observing a pattern or phenomenon, we create space between what we’re observing and who we are. So when you’ve recognized, allowed and accepted, and intimately investigated your beliefs and fears, you may see that these are just figments of your imagination. Sound bites and images created by neurons firing in your brain, nothing more. So what if you decided to stop believing your thoughts?

With my mind less occupied with these limiting beliefs and fears, I found space to ask myself what was really important to me and how I wanted to act with wisdom and compassion. The answer was: ‘The only thing that matters to me is that I enjoy myself, be in the moment, and connect with the people around me – on the trampoline but also off the trampoline.’ My act from wisdom and compassion was to give myself boundaries regarding practice time and remind myself every time of what matters: not to perform perfectly, but to enjoy and connect.

Practice :)

This is as practical a tool I can give you to become mindful of your unhealthy stress patterns. It’s not a quick fix. It takes intention, commitment and practice. So go out in the rain as much as you can, let it wash away your limiting beliefs and fears, until every drop feels like a tiny kiss of love.

Do you recognize yourself in this article? The PhD advisors are here for you. Get in touch with us for a consultation (phdadvisor@amsterdamumc.nl).