By Mandy X. Hu
What is on your mind right now? Are you ruminating about a past mistake, a rejected article, a supervisor’s feedback? Or are you worrying about what’s ahead: a presentation or task you need to complete? Right now I’m thinking about an uncomfortable encounter I had with a person, let’s call them Charlie, where I felt pressurized to participate to an event, let’s say this was a conference. I reacted with hesitation and stuttered something like ‘I will think about it’. My thoughts go from what I should’ve said to have made it less awkward, to defending my own behavior at that moment, to blaming the other person for their behavior, to thinking what I could do to make a better impression on Charlie in the future. I’m aware of these thoughts right now. But how many moments of my life – of our lives – are subconsciously spent by believing that something is wrong and needs fixing? Isn’t it true that we generally have the perspective that ‘Life is a problem to be solved’? As this never-ending problem-focused story is quite depressing, I’d like to propose a different perspective: Whatever is happening, ‘it’s not a problem’.
‘It’s not a problem – it’s an opportunity’
Not labeling things as a problem doesn’t mean we can’t take action. On the contrary, when we spend less time fixating on what or who is wrong, there is more space to learn from what’s happening and decide on a wise response to the situation. In the case of my uncomfortable encounter, instead of worrying so much about the impression I made and who should’ve done something differently, I will try this shift in perspective. What can I learn from the situation? I realize that Charlie probably believed that I could benefit from the conference – nothing wrong with them. I also realize that I acted so indecisive because I felt like I had to perform at the conference and I was afraid to fail, while at the same time I didn’t want to make a lazy impression on Charlie – nothing wrong with me. And I realize that situations are allowed to be uncomfortable – nothing wrong with that. So there’s really no problem. And how do I want to respond? I could either grant myself some rest and say ‘no’ to the conference or I could see the conference as a learning opportunity instead of pressure to perform – which also gives me peace of mind. I’m not sure what I’m going to do yet, but either way this ‘problem’ has given me the opportunity to shift from a ‘I need to impress’ mindset to a ‘What really matters’ mindset. Now this is an innocent example. What if you really hurt someone or they really hurt you? Isn’t that really a problem? Same thing: if you stop judging, blaming and making wrong, there is a lot more space to learn and respond wisely.
‘It’s not a problem – period’
Now, there are some ‘problems’ in life that we really can’t fix. People often don’t behave the way we want them to – no matter how hard we try to convince, beg, or manipulate. Life will throw unexpected events at us which we can’t stop or control. We will experience major changes and losses in life, such as aging, disease, and death. It’s rather strange how we have made the inevitable, most natural things in life ‘wrong’. This way of thinking leads to a lot of suffering and (pointless) struggling. What if we embrace change and loss as a part of life, instead of seeing it as a problem? How does that feel? Uncomfortable? Painful? I’m not saying that change and loss doesn’t hurt. You are allowed to feel sad when such things happen – and these feelings are also ‘not a problem’. Recently I was diagnosed with Colitis Ulcerosa, a chronic inflammatory bowel disease. I remember a time in my life where I would’ve really seen this as a problem – something that shouldn’t be happening and could have a wrong impact on my life. Right now, I’m grateful to have a different perspective: ‘It’s not a problem. Yes, it’s uncomfortable and uncertain – and that’s okay.’
Try it. For the next week, whenever something happens that makes you feel uncomfortable, angry, scared, or sad – say out loud: ‘It’s not a problem’. Let me know how it goes :)
Do you recognize yourself in this article? The PhD advisors are here for you. Get in touch with us for a consultation (phdadvisor@amsterdamumc.nl).