By Mandy X. Hu
For those who’ve frequently read our blogs, the topic of this one might sound familiar. Indeed, I’ve written about happiness before. It’s just that I find it such an important topic, especially in current society where we are – ironically – making ourselves really unhappy in our relentless pursuit of happiness, that I decided to touch upon the subject again. In this blog I want to plead that happiness isn’t an outcome. We can’t achieve happiness. I believe that the only way to be truly and sustainably happy is to choose it.
Happiness is not an outcome
When I was in my early twenties I felt very unhappy. I did not have that great job with the societal impact and the human interaction that I really wanted – rather, I was without a job and I was occasionally helping out in my parents’ snackbar. That brings me to part two of what made me unhappy: I wasn’t living in a modern penthouse loft with a lake view – rather, I was living above that same snackbar… with my parents. And part three: I wasn’t having a romance á la Pride and Prejudice meets Pretty Woman – rather, the guy I was dating wasn’t very much into a happily ever after. At that time I sincerely believed that I needed all those outcomes in order to be happy and for years I’ve wasted time by chasing after this future and by regretting past events. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that we shouldn’t activate ourselves for the things that are important to us. It’s just that the idea of a specific outcome being the only thing that will make us happy is harmful and untrue. For one, our standards are rarely realistic – I mean, that perfect job, house ánd partner?! When we revolve our lives around specific outcomes to make us happy, it will likely result in the opposite: feeling unhappily stuck in a never-ending chase. And even if by some miracle we do get everything we want, it will not satisfy us for long. Soon we habituate and start looking for what’s wrong or what could be better.
I’d like to support my claim with a scientific study that compared the happiness levels of people who’ve had extreme outcomes in life: those who became very rich by winning the lottery and those who became paraplegic after an accident [1]. The study showed that everyday happiness did not differ between them. External factors don’t have as much of an impact on our wellbeing as we think – happiness is not an outcome.
Happiness is a choice
Before I build my case around happiness being a choice, there is an important disclosure I need to make: a big chunk of our happiness level seems to be determined by our genes [2] and we can’t do much to change those (although with fast developing genetic engineering this statement may soon be obsolete). So if external outcomes have little influence on our happiness level and we have little influence on the happiness genes we are born with, what is the key to happiness? According to the happiness hypothesis of Jonathan Haidt [3] there are three ways to influence our happiness set point. One of them is Prozac, a medication that influences serotonin levels. As I wouldn’t recommend taking this without psychiatric indication, let’s move on to the two other ways to influence our happiness set point: cognitive therapy and meditation. My free interpretation of Haidt’s conclusion is that happiness comes down to how we choose to look at life. Instead of trying to mold the world into our egocentric and narrow vision of how it should be, can we broaden our mind and make space for all of it: the chaos, pain, joy, and beauty?
Now I’m in my thirties a lot has changed. I found a job with real and meaningful interactions, I live in a charming house surrounded by beautiful horse chestnut trees, and I’m in a loving and honest relationship. I am happy, but it’s not because of these outcomes. My ego is still trying to convince me that it’s not enough: my job should be more impactful, my house more modern, and my relationship more romantic. I am happy, not because my life is different but because coaching and mindfulness practices have taught me to look at life differently. To choose to accept pain and imperfection as a part of life, to choose to be kind when this happens, and to choose to open my heart and mind to the joy and beauty that is always here. Don’t become happy – choose to be.
Do you recognize yourself in this article? The PhD advisors are here for you. Get in touch with us for a consultation (phdadvisor@amsterdamumc.nl).
[1] Brickman, P., Coates, D., & Janoff-Bulman, R. (1978). Lottery winners and accident victims: Is happiness relative?.Journal of personality and social psychology,36(8), 917.
[2] Bartels, M. (2015). Genetics of wellbeing and its components satisfaction with life, happiness, and quality of life: A review and meta-analysis of heritability studies.Behavior genetics,45, 137-156.
[3] Haidt, J. (2006).The happiness hypothesis: Putting ancient wisdom and philosophy to the test of modern science. Random House.