By Mandy X. Hu
‘I know I don’t need to achieve or do anything to be enough, but it just doesn’t stick, I still feel anxious and insecure most of the time.’
She voices a frustration that I often hear from coachees. When we want to make a change in our lives, usually the easy part is to rationally and logically understand that the change is better for us and more true to who we are. We know that getting more exercise, going to bed earlier, and replacing screentime with going for a walk will improve our mental and physical health. We know that we don’t want to be hard on ourselves and we’d be happier if we could be kinder. But how do we go beyond knowing something towards experiencing it on a daily basis? How do we move from merely wanting to change towards making a real change in our lives?
The answer I gave to her: ‘I know you know – but do you practice with it every day?’
The practice that I believe will make a true and lasting change in your life consists of three elegantly simple steps: 1. Intention. 2. Attention. 3. Repetition.
1. Intention
You’re lying in your warm and comfy bed, underneath your cozy blanket. Your alarm nudges you awake – or if you’re lucky, you wake up naturally. What is the first thought that comes to your mind? How do you start your day? Are you reluctantly dragging yourself out of bed to face a dreadful workday? Are you stressed with the thought of having to achieve a million things on your never-ending to-do list?
Stop.
Take a breath and ask yourself: what is my intention for today? This is an important question. A wise quote that really stuck with me is: ‘how you live today is how you live your life’. So, how do you want to live your life? What is the change you really want to make? Is it to be more attentive to your body? Is it to connect more with the people you care about? Is it to be more loving towards yourself?
As you may recall from my previous blogs, I was in a pretty dark place when I was in my early-twenties. I recall telling a friend back then that I woke up unhappy every day. I still have a tendency to feel dark and gloomy in the dawn of the morning. So it’s important for me to take extra care of myself and remind myself of what really matters: to experience joy and kindness.
2. Attention
And then you get out of bed and you’re running late for work, you spill your coffee, you’re train is delayed, and when you finally get to work and open your computer, you’re flooded by a dozen unread e-mails. The question is not but you will forget that beautiful intention you set. With all the external distractions it is hard to remember what is really important to you, not to mention all the internal distractive thoughts in the line of: ‘I have to do this’, ‘I have to fix that’, or the classical ‘I suck’.
Again, stop.
Help yourself to pay attention to your intention. Slow down, take regular pauses, practice with mindfulness. You may set alarms in your phone to remind you to take a pause and build in moments when you check in, take a mindful cup of tea, or a walk. Perhaps you’d like to practice with meditations to be more in tune with what’s going on with you. The practice is to notice your tendencies and attend to the change you set out to make.
Most days I notice an underlying current of restlessness and tension. Often it’s really subtle in the form of wanting to get things done or simply not being quite happy with how things are. Being more attentive can change my experience profoundly. For instance, right now. My tendency is to rush through this blog with the impatience of getting it done and the pressure of doing it ‘right’. Or I could attend to my intention and choose joy and kindness. I already feel the change: I love to write and what a privilege it is to write for you.
3. Repetition
And when you wake up tomorrow, do it again. And again the day after. And again. That’s it. Simple and elegant. To change hard-wired patterns of thoughts and behaviors we need to repeatedly practice with intention and attention. Yes, it requires commitment, effort, and patience. And yes, you can make the change.
I know you know – now practice with it every day :)
Do you recognize yourself in this article? The PhD advisors are here for you. Get in touch with us for a consultation (phdadvisor@amsterdamumc.nl).