By Mandy X. Hu
We all know the five stages of grief. Denial: no no no, this is NOT happening. Anger: WHY, why me?! Bargaining: If this goes away, this time I REALLY promise I will be a better person. Depression: Ugh, I give up. Acceptance: Okay, I’m cool with it. As a mindfulness and ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy) coach, I work a lot with acceptance. It may be the most frequently used word in the vocabulary I use with my PhD clients. Over the years, I’ve realized that acceptance (like grey) can come in different shades. So far, I’ve discovered three of them – each consecutive shade deeper and richer than the one before. I call them the three stages of acceptance: 1. Enduring. 2. Carrying. 3. Embracing.
Enduring
This stage is the lighter shade of acceptance. It’s where I see most people arrive after the exhausting journey of resisting their situation. It’s the first place where they find some solace: a couple of square meters to set up a tent, a little puddle to quench the thirst, a small bush with edible berries. There’s nothing wrong with this place: it mostly works and it’ll probably keep us alive. But it’s a place of necessity, not choice. We can’t keep fighting reality; it’ll take too much energy, so we grit our teeth and resign to what is. This is the stage I call enduring. To illustrate: let’s say your daily supervisor is absent and micromanaging at the same time (believe me, I hear about this paradoxical combination more often than you’d think). To endure is like saying: ‘Alright, I can’t change them (and believe me, I’ve tried with every assertive communication method, passive aggressive remark, and aggressive thought to do so). So, I have no choice but to accept they are going to keep behaving like they do and I will finish my PhD feeling like I’m merely surviving it.’
Carrying
We could stay at that first place – nobody would blame us after the difficult journey we made. Or, after having gathered some of our strengths, we could pack up our tents and boldly move forward until we find a place where there’s some wood to build a small cabin, a creek with fresh water and maybe even some fish to catch. This place requires more from us than simply staying alive: it needs us to actively get involved in our existence. We’re in this situation, so we might as well roll up our sleeves and make the best of it. This is the stage I call carrying. Let’s get back to our absent and micromanaging supervisor. To carry this situation is like saying: ‘Alright, I can’t change them, but I can learn from what they have to offer and I can do my best to make the most of an imperfect PhD.’
Embracing
That sounds like a pretty good place to land – I could see us build a good life there. And yet, there is also the option to pack up our stuff one more time and venture one final challenging stretch. It’s a difficult choice, because it asks us to invest time and energy without any guarantee that there’s something better waiting ahead. But we may arrive at a place where the ground feels steady beneath our feet, where the trees provide both shade and shelter, where a fire crackles inside our house at the end of the day, and where the familiar paths slowly begin to feel like our own. It's not a place without hardship. Storms still pass through and winters still come. But it's home – not because it's perfect, but because we choose to stay and no longer wish we were somewhere else. We’re not simply making the best of our situation; we recognize that this experience has become part of who we are and who we want to become. I call this stage embracing. It’s when we say: ‘My supervisor’s behavior is not a problem, it’s a life lesson. It helps me practice patience, resilience, compassion, and flexibility throughout my PhD – and in life.’
None of these places are wrong. Sometimes we need to rest in the tent. Sometimes we have enough strength to build the cabin. And sometimes, we discover a place that feels like home. Each of these places has something to offer us, and each can be exactly where we need to be.
Do you recognize yourself in this article? The PhD advisors are here for you. Get in touch with us for a consultation (phdadvisor@amsterdamumc.nl).